Dec. 28 2011 11:21 AM

Obama has made me so mad—I just... I just... Grrr!

Edwin Decker

“This week, [President Obama] is poised to sign into law terrible new measures that will make indefinite detention a permanent part of American law.”

—The New York Times

Well, holy mother of Mephistopheles, are you shitting me? “Indefinite detention”? I’m so irate, I don’t even know where to begin. Typically, when I rant in this column, it’s about some stupid or annoying thing that some stupid or annoying person (or group) said or did that I don’t like. But it’s not like it gets under my skin or anything. Not this time. When I become outraged like this, all I want to do is sling profanities up and down the page because, seriously, what the goddamn, fuck, fuck, shit and dicks is wrong with these people!?

The bill is called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) for Fiscal Year 2012, and it basically does what all previous NDAA bills have done—fund the military—the only difference being that this one has a provision that desecrates the Constitution, the founders, civil liberties, puppies and everything else that is right and good about the U.S.A.

In a nutshell, Section 1031 of the NDAA affirms and codifies the president’s authority (via the military) to imprison American citizens accused of having “supported al-Qaeda, the Taliban, or associated forces,” and that the detention may continue “without trial, until the end of hostilities.”

And like a pest-infested harlot brimming with the seed of a thousand tricks, our government prostituted itself across the Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Amendments of the motherfucking Constitution.

“In all criminal prosecutions,” the Sixth Amendment says, “the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial… ; to be confronted with the witnesses against him… ; and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence,” which is the exact goddamn opposite of Section goddamn 1013 of The National Defense Authorization Act for the Fiscal Year of 20(and-goddamn)12!

Not only does the provision confirm that you are not guaranteed representation, habeus corpus, a speedy trial—or, even a regular-speed trial (hell, at this point I’d settle for trial-by-tortoise)—it says you’re not getting a trial, because there’s no such thing as an “end to hostilities” when it comes to the war on terror, making it quite possible that you could spend the rest of your life in military detention should your cursor so much as hover over the link to the al-Qaeda home page.

What’s truly astonishing is that it wasn’t even a close vote. I honestly can’t get my head around the fact that 93 out of 100 United States senators (closely split between Republicans and Democrats) voted in favor of this, this—grrr—this whole thing makes me so made I can’t write ass, sphincter, cornhole coherent sentences without unnecessary bursts of inappropriate profanity, you scum-sucking, scuzzmunching snot-mongers.

How does either of these parties justify that vote? Conservatives are supposed to espouse less government. Liberals are supposed to advance civil liberties? And the president? Huffah! He actually agreed to sign the wretched thing.

Et tu, Obama?

It should be mentioned that the president threatened to veto the bill at first. Cool, right? Nope. His problem was with a different section that placed a minor constraint on presidential powers. Once that minor constraint was removed, the administration agreed to sign the bill, Constitution be damned.

“As a result of these changes,” the White House said, “we have concluded that the language does not challenge or constrain the president’s ability to… protect the American people.”

Constraints? Limits? I’ll tell you about constraints and limits, Mister. Constraints and limits is sitting in a musty, dark cell for a crime you didn’t commit and will never get to dispute. What nerve. The candidate who ran on human rights cares more about piling up executive power than abiding the Bill of Rights. It makes me so mad, I don’t even know what to write next. Seriously, the seconds it will take you to move from this paragraph to the next was four hours for me, which I spent muttering obscenities and stabbing my ear with a pencil, and still—I got nothing.

Try as I might, I cannot express an intelligent opinion about this thing without expletives and incoherent sentences. Why couldn’t we just stick with the goddamn plan? It was such a great goddamn plan: If you think somebody did something bad, prove it with due process. Presumption of innocence? Habeus corpus? Ha! Habeus hasta la vista is more like it, because, now, you can accuse an American citizen based on the flimsiest, chickenshittiest evidence and can keep him or her in jail for life without having to prove a goddamn thing to a goddamn person. So, what’s the point of—grrr—what’s the point of having a Constitution if these treasonous whores are going to—yeah, I said “treason,” and I never throw that word around, but, yes, treason—that’s what this is, and treasonous is what you are if you voted for this bill. So, you can all eat a box of boners because, thanks to you, now I want to visit the al-Qaeda home page, maybe even click on the “donate” button because, at this point, they’ve done far less damage to our way of life than you have, you duck-fuckers.

Happy New Year.

Write to and Edwin Decker blogs at Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.