Sept. 7 2011 12:00 PM

Why Joe Biden’s almost-endorsement of the one-child rule didn’t bother me in the least

Edwin Decker

Vice President Joe Biden collected some trouble recently when he seemingly endorsed China’s controversial population-control policy during his visit there.

“Your [one-child-per-family] policy has been one which I fully understand,” he told the crowd. “I’m not second-guessing.”

It didn’t take long for his enemies to pile on, including House Speaker John Boehner, who said he was “deeply troubled” by Biden’s statement.

Doesn’t Boehner’s hyperbole make you wretch? He wasn’t just troubled by Biden’s remarks, see; he was deeply troubled—as if Boehner had been pacing in his office all week, brooding about the apocalyptic effect the VP’s speech will have on our nation.

“The result being,” Biden continued, “that [China is] in a position where one wage earner will be taking care of four retired people. [It’s] not sustainable.”

Well, whaddaya know? Biden wasn’t endorsing it after all. Rather, he was making an economic argument instead of moral one. Because, as Biden knows, when you attack someone’s morals, they become defensive and all progress comes to a halt. It’s called diplomacy.

Of course, I got a laugh out of the whole thing because, while everyone else was demanding that Biden publicly denounce China’s family planning policy (which he did), all I could think was, Denounce it!? Are you nuts? Denouncing a one-child-only policy in China is like denouncing a one-mosquito maximum at your campsite. Why would anyone denounce the greatest government moratorium since the Trojans banned giant wooden horses from entering their city? To hell with the Great Wall—the one-child policy is the shit that belongs on all their tourism posters: “Visit China—what few kids we have are muzzled.” Or, “Beijing! Where the brothels outnumber the brats!”

Oh, sweet Republic of China—how long is thy immigration line? For I would gladly tolerate the traffic jams, pollution, rampant public spitting, government-controlled media, bizarre alphabet, squat toilets, avian influenza, aggressive pro-panda propaganda (propandaganda?) and, worst of all, 24-hour All Lucy Liu television broadcast to live in a country that isn’t inundated with chil—OK, OK. I’ll stop. Sorry. I honestly didn’t intend to run the joke so far into the ground. You know I was joking, right? You know I know that the Chinese family-planning policy is barbaric. I would never support a law that limits our right to reproduce; however—isn’t it time our government stops promoting reproduction?

There are many tax benefits that incentivize procreation, not the least of which is the Child Tax Credit, which gives families $1,000 for every dependent under 17. That is udder bovine excrement! Given our overpopulation problems, people should be incentivized to not have kids. We should give a $1,000 tax credit to every child a taxpayer does not have. If you don’t have two kids, you get a $2,000 credit. Not having four kids gets you $4,000. As for me, I plan on not having 15 children. I know, I know, 15 is a lot of kids to not have, but the way I see it, I’ve got a lot of love to not give.

Another problem with the Child Tax Credit is that it goes to the wrong people. Currently, only families earning less than $110,000 are eligible. That means we’re subsidizing lower-income people to breed, which is utterly whackbasswards.

Lower-income families usually have to work three or four jobs and can rarely afford quality childcare, so their unsupervised golem are free to loot convenience stores and drop bricks from overpasses all day. Better to incentivize upper-income people because they have money: They can afford a team of tyrant-nannies to crush their children’s spirits. They can afford to build a sound-proofed dungeon in which to shackle and torture the little murderers-in-the-making. They can afford to seal all their offspring’s orifices with expensive cosmetic surgery.

And while I do oppose the Chinese concept of levying fines or prison sentences for violating the one-child law, I am down with taxing parents extra. For instance, we should institute a “Screaming Hellion on the Plane” tax. I’d also like to see a “Too Much Pee in the Public Pool” tax; a “Mommy, Why is that Man so Fat and Other Insults” tax; an “Everything on TV Sucks Because We Can’t Let Kids Hear Bad Words or Encounter Adult Concepts” tax; and, of course, a “No Fun Family Values Asshole” tax for all those a-hole parents who think they can dictate adult behavior— such as when we have to stop drinking beer at the ballpark, how much porn we can view in the public library, who can’t marry whom and how many feet away from the middle school we have to be when selling or buying our drugs—all in the name of protecting “the children.”

What’s that you say? Families are the backbone of America and we need to make it easier on parents to raise smart, healthy and productive members of society?

Are you crazy? Didn’t you see Children of the corn? Scary, right? Well, turns out Children of the corn wasn’t a horror movie after all. It was a documentary.

Write to and Edwin Decker blogs at Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.