June 20 2011 07:54 PM

Ranking our modern-day political sex scandals


They defended [Bill Clinton] for his indiscretions in office but want Anthony Weiner run out of town….”  —Michael Medved

What Weiner did was worse than what Larry Craig did. So, why shouldn’t he have to resign as well?"—Commenter on USAtoday.com

There’s a lot of this going around. A lot of these scandalistas like to compare Congressmember Anthony Weiner’s debacle to other famous political sex scandals, to determine what should become of him. Of course, the comparisons are mostly partisan and lack uniformity, which is why I have developed a formula—so that we can objectively discern whose sex scandals are worse than whose and where Weiner ranks among them.

For the purposes of this formula, each scandal category receives a point value between one and 10. For instance, Standard Adultery—the offense of (yawn) regular old cheating with a consenting adult—is worth one point. Add five points if the spouse is terminally ill. Add five Hypocrisy Points for any Bible-humping, family-values politicians caught fooling around; add another five Hypocrisy Points if a politically active opponent of gay rights is caught consorting with a member of the same sex. Tack on seven Corruption Points for any laws broken in relation to the affair (not counting the crime of adultery because that’s an idiotic law). Add seven points if it’s one of those creepy, non-consensual sexual exposer-type of transgressions (like whipping out your phallus during a private meeting with the president of the local NOW chapter). Make it 10 if he touches or gropes her private parts, un-consentingly.

For siring a love child, the points range from one to 10, depending on how the child was treated by the offender.

No points will be added for lying (everyone lies about sex, so it’s a wash) or if the affair is with a prostitute. Yes, I know, prostitution is illegal, but let’s be honest: Blowing politicians during lunch breaks so they can stay focused on running the country is why prostitutes were invented.

Now, with that formula in mind, let’s analyze some modern-day political sex scandals:

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ten points for being a creepy, non-consensual genitalia groper and five points for having a love child. He does not receive the Standard Adultery value because he married a Kennedy-babe and federal law states that if you marry a Kennedy-babe, you must cheat on her. 15 points.

U.S. Sen. Larry Craig: As much as his Family Values and Gay Rights hypocrisies (five plus five points) turn my stomach, the only law he broke is a dumb one. I mean, seriously, why can’t you pick up dudes in the bathroom? Add one point for Standard Adultery, but subtract one point for the comic value of his hilarious “wide stance” defense. 10 points.

U.S. Rep. Mark Foley: This is difficult to grade because he didn’t actually fornicate with anyone (that we know of); however, he was sending sexually explicit messages to several underage male pages (which is illegal, earning seven points, plus 10 points for Family Values and Gay Rights hypocrisies). 17 points.

U.S. Sen. John Edwards: I never realized what a douche John Edwards is: He had Standard Adultery for one point, a love child for the full 10 points (he pushed for abortion, then denied paternity), the Cancer Bonus (wife Elizabeth was very sick) and a shit-ton of (alleged) corruption—such as his spending thousands of public dollars on gifts for his lover and funneling more than $900,000 of campaign funds to cover up the affair. 23 points.

House Speaker Newt Gingrich: If Edwards is a douche, Gingrich is the dirty vagina it goes inside: We have Standard Adultery, the Cancer Bonus and a Multiple Sclerosis Bonus (he cheated on two wives—one with cancer, the other M.S.), a Family Values Hypocrisy and an Impeachment Hypocrisy (eight points) because he actively sought to remove President Clinton for doing the same exact bullshit he was doing. 24 points.

President William J. Clinton: It always bothered me how Clinton’s defenders persistently griped that he was “impeached for a BJ,” as if that were his worst or only infraction. Clinton’s sex felonies are so many, so egregious, that I don’t have the time or desire to add them up, what with the perjuries, the rape accusation, the fact that he used the state police as his personal sex-transit system, the persistent trapping of women in his office, the groping and the exposing of his tallywhacker like a coked-up monkey in a Vegas cathouse and, of course, how he deployed a team of operatives to viciously attack and destroy his accusers in the press. ? points.

U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner: Well, there’s no Family Values Hypocrisy, no corruption, no perjury, no minors, no non-consensual touchies or exposies, no love children, no attempts to destroy the objects of his desire. There isn’t even a Standard Adultery deduction because he never actually had sex with actual women. At best, a partial point for his virtual affairs. One-half point.

As for the recently emerged photo of Weiner in women’s clothing, don’t even try it, Malph! He was 18 years old. It could’ve been a prank. It could’ve been Halloween. Or maybe he just likes wearing women’s clothing—that’s his business. It’s all his business. They should have left him alone to do his job.   

Ladies, you have my consent to email photos of your sexy parts to ed@sdcitybeat.com. Guys, go ahead and email your special pictures to editor@sdcitybeat.com (he’s into that sort of thing).