I know this because, at this very moment, the AU troops are positioned at the bottom of the hill and await my instruction—for I am the ranking Agnostic in charge. I check my weapon, take a deep breath and give the “Go” command. It is the Battle of Yuletide Hill, a day that will live in infamy.
Their fortress looms above us. Beside it stands a 100-foot Christmas tree, from which dangle ornaments made from the skulls of unbelievers and garland made from their entrails. Heavy-caliber machine-gunners are positioned at the base of the tree, and elfmanned mortar cannons are cleverly camouflaged amid the straw and statues of a nativity scene.
We get about halfway up the hill before they open fire. Mortar and bullet fire riddle the front line, yet I am frozen with indecision. I know I should give some sort of strategic command, but I can’t make up my mind (the downside to putting an agnostic in charge). Then one of the atheists yells, “Dude! Deploy the Carolers!”
The Carolers are a special-ops unit designed to terrorize the enemy by singing blasphemous versions of Christmas songs.
“Release the Carolers!” I shout, and they begin goose-stepping up the hill, singing loudly. They start with, “I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa,” which does considerable damage to the enemy’s morale. Next, the Carolers perform a ditty about the joys of drugs and whoring called “Oh, Little Town of Amsterdam,” followed by “Do They Know it’s Bullshit?” Anxious to deliver the finishing blow, the Carolers bust out “O’ Solstice Tree.”
“O’ solstice tree, o’ solstice tree / Don’t they know you predate Christmas? / O’ Solstice tree, O’ solstice tree / Why won’t they just admit this?
The pagans did it long ago / The holly, Yule and mistletoe / O’ solstice tree, o’ sols—.”
Their singing is halted by the arrival of The SANTAS (Strategic Armored Nasty Tank Assault Squadron), which have 75-mm cannons that make “Ho ho ho ho” sounds when fired.
“Ho ho ho ho,” go the SANTAS as they bear down on the Carolers. “Ho ho ho ho,” as the cartilage and bone bits eject into the air like a bomb in a box of turtles.
I know exactly what to do now, I think. It’s time to start pondering what to do!
“Goddamit, Decker!” screams the atheist. “Drop the HH bomb!”
The HH Bomb is a crate containing “Happy Holidays” greeting cards, which rain down on the enemy when detonated. It’s considered a WMD (Weapon of Mass Demoralization) because “Happy Holidays” is a term the enemy despises so much that it destroys their will to fight.
“Do it, man!” the atheist shouts.
“But the humanity!” I respond.
He rips the radio out of my hand and provides coordinates. A few moments later, the cards flutter downward. There’s a moment of silence as the enemy reads, followed by a great groan of despair, as though they each simultaneously received a blender for Christmas. A white flag appears from behind the stronghold and victory is ours. A cheer erupts from the boys, and the remaining three carolers begin singing, “Happy Xmas (War on Xmas is Over)” as I make my way up to their command center to discuss the terms of surrender, which are as follows.
1. True separation of church and state will be enforced. This doesn’t mean you can’t say Merry “Christmas” anymore. You can still put a nativity scene on your private lawns, you can still send creepy, Jesus-is-thereason cards to your Jewish friends and you can even hire a goddamn skywriter to scrawl “Only hippies and commies have ‘happy holidays’” across the sky. However, when it comes to spending public money to decorate public property, we will write “Happy holidays” or “Season’s greetings” because, honestly, Christians aren’t the only people who pay taxes around here.
2. Because it is our part of our heritage, Christmas shall remain a federal holiday. However, Christians must acknowledge that Jesus is most likely not the reason for the season, that Christ was most likely not boon Dec. 25 and that that date was chosen centuries earlier because it was the (then) winter solstice and not specific to Christianity, or any one religion, which is why we can legally justify keeping it as a federal holiday in the first place.
3. For no other reason than that they are irritating, the following Christmas songs will be banned: “Jingle Bells” by the Barking Dogs, “Christmas Don’t Be Late” by The Chipmunks and the Geico Gecko’s medley of “Frosty the Salamander” and “A Lizard is born in Bethlehem.” In fact, let’s just abolish Christmas songs sung by animals altogether; they’re likely the reason suicides spike in December.
4. No more lame boycotts, such as the Catholic League’s boycott of companies that don’t use the word “Christmas” in their advertising, which is as preposterous as boycotting Red Lobster for not quoting scripture on its menus.
So, there are your new rules, people. I expect you to comply. In the meantime, I will now exercise my right to include everybody in this parting message by saying: Happy holidays! Even you, Scientologists—daft though you be.