• Stop calling it a mosque. The proposed Cordoba House will not be a mosque. It will be a 13-story Islamic cultural center featuring an auditorium, performing arts center, fitness center, swimming pool, basketball court, theater, childcare area, bookstore, culinary school, art studio, food court, 9/11 memorial and an interfaith prayer space which, itself, does not even meet the definition of “mosque.”
• Stop saying they want to put it on ground zero. It will not be on ground zero, it will be near it, which means—it don’t mean nuthin’. The word “near” has as many meanings as the number of people who utter it.
• Stop saying the Cordoba Initiative is offensive to the families and friends of the victims of 9/11. The families and friends of the victims are not a single entity. And many are in favor of the initiative, such as the group September Eleventh Families for Peaceful Tomorrows, which feels the best way to honor their loved ones is to stay true to our national convictions.
• Stop saying that Muslims are taking over the country, and that we must stop the Islamification of America. How could we be in danger of being Islamified when everyone knows it’s the Mexicans who are taking over? Or wait, is it the blacks? Puerto Ricans? Eyetalians? Irish? darn, I forget. Which were the ones that hump like rabbits and leech off the system again? Anyway, the point is, we’re in far more danger of the increased Christianification of America than anything else.
• Unless you’re a deaf, dumb, blind, prematurely born infant living in an opaque incubator, stop saying, “President Obama supports the Cordoba project because he is a Muslim.” Enough already! He’s not a fucking Muslim! And stop saying “Muslim” like it equates him with terrorism.
• Christian conservatives must stop saying that this is not an issue of religious freedom because “the Nation of Islam is not just a religion, but a system of laws and political principles.” They must stop saying this because the same could be said about their age-old argument that, America is a Christian nation and that our laws are based on Christian principles.
• Stop playing “Boin the U.S.A.” at your anti-Islam rallies. “Boin the U.S.A.” is not a jingoistic, xenophobic, rootin’ tootin’ pro-America anthem; it’s a eulogy for the death of America’s ideals—which, hmm, I guess is ironically appropriate after all.
• Stop saying terrorists will use the Cordoba House as a place to plot future attacks. Christ, is Fox News the only thing that gets piped into your incubation chamber? Do you really believe that a group of covert terrorist sleeper cells are going to convene in the building upon which every eye in the country is suspiciously fixed; a place that’s surrounded by people who would accuse you of terrorism if you walked by with a gyro in your hand; a place that will be scrutinized, demonized and spied-upon for years to come? Really? This is the location at which you think the next terrorist plot will be hatched?
• For crying out loud, stop saying, “I believe in religious freedom but….” There is no but in the First Amendment. No asterisks. No footnotes. There is no contingency that says, “Congress shall not prohibit the free exercise of religion except when we’re really, really afraid of that religion.” Ah, but isn’t that the American way? We behold the Bill of Rights during times of peace, but during scarier times of high global tension—when we need them most— we toss our convictions in the trash like a black banana.
Oh well, whaddya gonna do when fear and suspicion take root? Still, if we’re going to be intolerant in terms of religion, then we should at least be consistent. From now on, let’s not allow any Roman Catholic churches near schools, playgrounds or other zones where young, molestable children congregate. Nor should there be any churches near abortion clinics or government buildings, since several Christian terrorists have bombed and murdered the people inside. Don’t build any Christian, Muslim, Mormon or Jewish buildings near gay communities, because those religions have been pissing on homosexuals for centuries. Ditto the YWCA, Curves, Chippendales and any other “sacred” female grounds, as organized religion has been pissing on women for centuries, too.
Look, I hate Islam as much as I hate the next religion. To me, they are all intolerant, idiotic and responsible for terrorism in one way or another. But I love the First Amendment. So how about we take this opportunity—after all our self-aggrandizing talk about America being the greatest country—to show the world what we stand for? Let’s show our enemies they don’t scare us and put that 13story Muslim center smack-dab in the middle of ground zero, like a massive fuck-you finger directed at our enemies, or a welcoming boner of peace, poised and positioned to spread the seed of human rights all over the planet.