March 30 2015 06:08 PM

Punk pilots, Chargers chumps and slut-shaming Monica Lewinsky


There's no shortage of big news lately, providing an abundance of fodder for someone with opinions. The problem with relentless media coverage of humanity is that I'm suspended in purgatory somewhere between Short Attention Span Theater and Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handy. (Millennial and Gen Z readers: Google those references.)

Being trapped in the land of So Many Topics to Choose From, I'm compelled to weigh in on as many as will fit on this page. Prepare for the smorgasbord I'm going to lay before you. 

First: If you're a mentally ill airline pilot with suicidal tendencies, seek help. Get a shrink. Call a suicide hotline. If that doesn't work out so well and you still resent the burdensome O2-to-CO2 exchange? Then please, by all means, kill yourself. But only yourself. Do not report to work and take out—in a spectacularly horrific manner—149 other people. That's just some coward-ass bullshit. Cowards are not cool. 

Also not cool are duplicitous hucksters like our city and county leaders who have banded together on the Chargers Stadium issue. Our mayor and county supervisors have agreed to pony up as much as half-a-mil on... consultants. Could they be less creative? No, they could not. 

According to KPBS, these nice folks will "make sure that San Diego taxpayers are getting a good and a fair deal with a proposed new stadium." Ah, yes. As predictable as empty seats at a Chargers game, here we are again. (I blame former Mayor Filner the Face Licker for this retread.) 

To current Mayor K-Faulc & Co., I propose a good and fair deal of my own, no consultants required. My proposal is both of my middle fingers extended way up in the air. 

Assemblymember Lorena Gonzalez, conversely, gets two big thumbs up, seeing as she's actually working in the best interests of voters. This novel approach, known as genuinely giving a crap about your constituents, led to 2014's Paid Sick Leave law. So far this year, she's proposed legislation to eliminate sales tax on diapers, end gender bias against women in worker's comp, and attain employee rights for professional sports cheerleaders. (Don't worry, the Charger Girls will be covered in Carson.) And as if all that wasn't enough to make me LG's No. 1 Fan Girl, last week Gonzalez proposed an Oregon-style universal voter registration law, increasing the probability that San Diegans might give the aforementioned scoundrels their walking papers. 

Perhaps Missouri leaders will consider similar legislation. After all, it was a dismal 12-percent voter turnout that handed James Knowles the keys to Ferguson. Even though voting won't solve racism, it couldn't be a bad thing—as they clean house over there—for residents to rid themselves of their doltish mayor who's claimed there's no racial division in his city. (Insert my audible gasp.) He also thinks the Department of Justice focused way too much on race during their investigation into that predominantly black community's predominantly white police department. (Insert audible gasp plus open-palm forehead smack.)

Paging Lorena: Can you talk to some people in the Heartland and help 'em draft some useful legislation? 'Kay-thanks-I-love-you! Also: You have amazing hair. 

Speaking of which, Monica Lewinsky is bravely baring her jugular and is getting victimized all over again. As the self-appointed captain of Team Monica, I used up all but two of my remaining audible gasps when the gleeful slut-shaming started up again. Sadly, even feminists play at this game. One awesome friend of mine argues that Lewinsky "brought shame to the White House," a statement I respectfully disagree with. 

Bill Clinton brought the shame. Truth be told, I don't have a single fuck to give about whom our electeds poke, so long as a) It's consensual. b) They're not legislating who anyone else pokes. Or how they poke. Or where they poke. In other words, I support equal opportunity poking, even as I'd advise young up-and-comers (ahem) to consider the ramifications of said poking behavior.

Poor Monica has paid a resonating price for her bite of that apple. Her loins led her astray. As one who made mistakes at 22 that I'd rather the world not see, I can only imagine the trauma she's endured. It might make someone want to fly an airplane into a mountain. But let's remember that Monica wasn't the one with the power. She was young and reckless and had the exact right anatomy required for being thrown under the bus. Can we all agree it's well past time we stop backing it up and repeatedly driving it over her? 

To keep it real for just a moment: What rosy-cheeked, sparkly-eyed, bouncy-haired 22-year-old isn't going to do the humpty dance when the most powerful and arguably most charismatic man in the world offers her a cigar? All I'm saying is thank Eros I wasn't smart enough to get a White House internship during the Clinton years.

Email Aaryn Belfer. Aaryn blogs at and you can follow her on Twitter @aarynb.