March 17 2014 06:39 PM

The true story of Noah’s Ark as told in the Bible —> eyes rolling

Ed Decker

Now here's a headline that caught my eye right quick: "Russell Crowe film 'Noah' edited to appease Christians upset by 'historical inaccuracies'" (, March 6, 2014).

Let me get this straight, Raw Story headline: What you're saying is that there are some people out there, people over the age of 8, people who presumably have not been raised in the wild by dimwitted coyotes, people with normal brains—and by "normal," I mean that they contain a sufficient amount of neural tissue, no less than 10 billion assorted axons and neurons, most of their synapses firing and all their ganglia still gangling—who think that the biblical story of Noah is a historical recounting? 

I find this to be deeply disturbing hilarious. Of all the preposterous yarns in the Bible—from Mary's virgin birth, to Jonah living inside a giant fish for three days, to Moses parting the Red Sea, to Balaam's talking ass—there's none more ludicrous than the story of Noah's Ark.

Anyone with even only 5 billion axons and neurons knows there's no way eight laypeople (all of whom were more than 100 years old) could cut, gather, transport, shape, erect and cure all the wood needed to build such a vessel. They know there's no way these horrifically ancient farts could round up several million animals from all corners of the planet—all their food, equipment and enclosures—and shove them onto a boat that's smaller than your average Carnival cruise liner. 

Anyone whose cerebral cortex still contains all its subcortical structures would wonder how all the different races of the world spawned from one man's genes: How did they supply a diverse gene pool? And how did Noah determine the sex of all those creatures whose genders are not so easily determined, like salamanders, earthworms and Bret Michaels?

While we're at it, how did eight people with no zoological experience care for several million animals? Whose job was it to shovel the dinosaur dung? Who organized the bingo and shuffleboard tournaments?

Oh sure, Bible literalists will argue that The Almighty helped Noah build the boat, round up the animals and sex the geckos. But if God were going to help, why didn't he just say, "Abracadabra," and conjure an ark from thin air? For that matter, why fuss with a boat at all? Why not simply abracadabra all the evil off the planet and never mind all this messy tsunami business? 

Question: Do you think Noah regretted bringing the fleas? 

GOD: "You are to bring onto the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, no matter how big or how small."

NOAH: "Sounds great, God. Just one thing, though. Do you think it's a good idea to bring the fleas?"

GOD: "Of course it's a good idea. I'm God!"

NOAH: "I know, I know, but the thing of it is, they multiply really fast. I just know we're gonna be scratching and rubbing and bleeding for every one of those 40 nights—don't even get me started about the tapeworm. Talk about evil!"

Here's another quote that caught my eye. This one's from Ben Kayser of, who asks, "[Will the movie] dishonor the true story of justice, mercy and redemption?"

Now, I know it's crass to razz people's religion, and the flood of bitter emails to come could quite possibly rise to biblical proportions. However, I'm not mocking anyone's faith. I'm mocking their intelligence! I mean, how wasted must one's pre-frontal cortex be in order to believe that Noah's Ark is a story of "justice, mercy and redemption"? OK, maybe, if by "justice" you mean "cruel and unusually over-the-top punishment," and if "redemption" means having your sins literally washed away, and if "mercy" is defined as "willfully murdering nearly every person on the planet including teachers, doctors, children, vegans, grandmothers, community organizers, children, crisis volunteers, Samaritans, children, philanthropists, drum circlers (they never hurt nobody), midwives, and did I mention children—as in babies? What about the babies?

For the record, I'm not one of these "what-about-the-babies" blowhards. I don't believe it's any worse to murder a kid than a cabbie. I only mention babies because, in this instance, it's relevant. God annihilated the population because there was too much evil running amok. Yet babies are utterly innocent. Unless they were running Indonesian sex-slavery rings from the womb, God killed them for no reason. 

So, I ask, is this your guy? Is this someone deserving of your idolatry? The savage who sent a bear—a friggin' bear!—to maul 40 kids because they poked fun at Elijah's baldness? The prick who slew Onan, not because he balled his dead brother's widow, but because he had the nerve to pull out? The misanthrope who dropped Egypt into a fuck-you funnel of lice, flies, frogs, locusts, frogs (what, no bears?), darkness, infanticide and restless-leg syndrome?

Oh, and, by the way, floodageddon didn't work, did it? God hosed down all the evil on the planet, yet, somehow, evil returned. My guess is that it was the Devil who brought it back. Wrap your idle ganglia around that for a moment. Not only is Mr. Omniscient a murderous tyrant; he's also incompetent. He should have known Satan would bring evil back—that's what devils do! God smote everyone on the planet for no good reason, which makes him more of a devil than The Devil. Satan may reign over the minions of Hell, but it is Our Father who Art in Heaven who sends us there. 

Write to and Edwin Decker blogs at Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.

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