Dec. 23 2013 06:06 PM

What a controversy in Oklahoma has taught me about Satan worshippers

Ed Decker

Imagine my delight when I came across a Dec. 9 AP story headlined, "Satanists seek spot next to Ten Commandments monument on steps of Oklahoma's Statehouse."

The article was about how, in 2009, the Oklahoma state Legislature approved a privately funded statue of the Ten Dumbandments to be placed on the statehouse grounds and how that's opened the door for other religious groups wanting to pay to have their monument on the same location, including—oh, sweet early Christmas for me—the Satanic Temple.

For years, I—and pretty much anyone who doesn't think the Establishment Clause is a jolly, fat guy who climbs down your chimney to make sure it's up to code—have been saying that if we allow the establishment of one religion in the public square, then we must allow all of them, so it's best to just keep religion out entirely.

But still, these overzealous, Christian-right, Jesus-was-a-white-guy types kept forcing their creepy religious symbols onto taxpayer property, which is why I am ever so delighted that the group that's finally using their tactics against them happens to worship the Dark Lord of the Nether World. 

And, oh, are the fundamental Okies all twisted into knots knowing that their hallowed Ten Commandments statue might end up sitting right next to a Satanic shrine—where the evil juice of Lucifer (a pulpy, puke-green substance known as "juicifer") will seep into the surrounding soil and onto the Christian statue (a process known as "Ozzymosis").

"We believe that [our] monuments should be in good taste and consistent with community standards," explained Satanic Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves. 

Wait. What? "Good taste"? "Consistent with community standards"? You did say this was going to be a monument to Satanism, right? It gets worse. Greaves said that one of the potential themes for the monument is an "interactive display for children."

Well, now I'm really befuddled. A children's exhibit for Old Clootie? The deity who brought us ritual sacrifice, orgy snuff films and the series finale of The Sopranos wants to have an exhibit for kids? Will they call it "It's a Small Nether World After All" and ferry the kids around the Stygian river while the damned of every race and culture sing, "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears / It's a world of eternally burning pits of flesh-scalding hellfire and a world of fears / There's so much smoke in the air that you can't breathe there / It's a small Nether World"?

I was so confused by this kinder, gentler representation of Satanism that I visited the Satanic Temple website, which says its mission is to "encourage benevolence and empathy" and "undertake noble pursuits." I figured these guys were obvious hacks and went to the official Church of Satan page, and what I saw was so terrifying, so revolting, it knocked the scabs off my liver.

Turns out, Satanists are a bunch of peacenik pussy nerds! Take this excerpt from their "Theories and Practices" page: "Satanism has nothing to do with killing, kidnapping, drug abuse, child molestation [or] animal or child sacrifice... Satanism is a life-loving, rational philosophy..."

What the Beelzeblubber is going on here? No murder? No rape or sacrifices? No drugs!?

"The Church of Satan does not condone illegal activities. If the use of certain drugs is illegal in your country of residence, they are just that: illegal."

Did you follow that? According to the seething minions of The Slayer of Souls, it doesn't matter whether something is good or bad; it matters whether it's legal, and following the law is the directive of the Church of—unbelievably—Satan.

Just look at the first two commandments of their sacred tome, Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, which is their equivalent to the Ten Commandments: 1. "Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked" and 2. "Do not tell your troubles to others unless they want to hear them."

Opinions? Complaining? These are the first two concerns of the all-important hendacalogue? How about commandment No. 4?: "When in another's lair, show him respect..." 

First of all, not even your chubbiest, pimpliest, greasiest-hair-having Dungeons and Dragons goober would refer to his own home as a "lair." Secondly, what's this about showing respect to your guests? I thought that if a Satanist ever got you into his "lair," he would slit your pelvis and feed your innards to the hellhounds. That's why they're called "lairs"!

I have to admit, I was baffled—until I found a passage on the FAQ page that explained it all. Turns out, the people that do all the killing and sacrificing are Devil worshippers. Satanists don't worship the Devil. In fact, they don't believe in gods of any sort. 

"We are not Devil worshippers, we are Satan worshippers... Satan to us is a symbol of pride, liberty and individualism, and it serves as an external metaphorical projection of our highest personal potential. We do not believe in Satan as a being or person."

Um, I hate to break it to you, dweeb, but saying you worship Satan and not the Devil is like sending your Cuba Libra back to the bartender because you wanted rum and Coke with lime. Seriously, though, you need to get your act together, because the way things are now, there's not enough juicifer in your shit to Ozzymosify a grasshopper, let alone a solid granite God monument.

Write to and Edwin Decker blogs at Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.

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