Sept. 5 2012 10:26 AM

Getting inside the heads of Bachmann, Santorum, Palin and Co.

Ed Decker

“Reality has a well-known liberal bias.”

—Steven Colbert

Congressmember Todd Akin’s comment that rape victims can’t get pregnant because “the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down” reminded me of a recent report by the American Sociological Review that found that “confidence in [science] has declined quite dramatically among self-described U.S. political conservatives.”

There’s a flaw in that premise. It’s not that conservatives no longer trust science. They just don’t subscribe to the science that the rest of us call “science.” They follow a unique version of science called SCIENSE (Substantiating Cockamamie Ideas with Extraordinarily Non-Sensical Experimentation), which is a science in the way that abstinence is a sex position. Some examples:

Carbon Dioxide is Harmless: Michele Bachmann said this to downplay global warming. So did Rick Perry. Rick Santorum said, “Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is.”

The SCIENSE: In a 2007 study conducted by Professor Barry Myheden Myass, of the Institute of Wildly Jackassian Theories, Myass subjected 100 different types of plants to trace amounts of Co2. The results? Not one plant complained of ill-effects. Status: Confirmed!

Creationism: Former U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said, “God created the Earth in six 24-hour periods, and there’s just as much, if not more, scientific evidence supporting that [than the big bang].”

The SCIENSE: To debunk the big-bang theory, renowned theology professors Faith “Izz” Foordumys and Eve O’Lutiondenier of the Center for Taking the Bible Literally No Matter How Freaking Ridiculous It Seems, used a scientific instrument called the Religion and Reason Particle Collider to simulate a miniature big bang. When religion nuclei were collided against reason nuclei at an energy level of 574 TeV per nucleus, religion was obliterated. Not satisfied, researchers turned to their SCIENSE manual—the Bible—which concluded that God created the world in six days. Status: Creationism confirmed!

Condoms Do Not Deter the Spread of STD’s: Conservatives have been clinging to this humdinger for years.

The SCIENSE: During a lab analysis, Dr. Manny Braynsellsmissin of the Council for Preventing All This Yucky Sex Stuff People Are Doing These Days, exposed condoms to a series of stress experiments. These included pin-piercings, acid drops and exposure to Bunsen burners. The same condoms were then given to volunteers afflicted with pthirus pubis and told to have sex with an un-afflicted control group. Status: The control group got crabs. Confirmed!

It’s Possible to Shock-Treat Homosexuality: Electric aversion therapy was known to be effective until 1994, when the lefty, pinko, bleeding-heart American Psychiatric Association erroneously debunked it.

The SCIENSE: While performing a commissioned study on how forks work, Dr. Stillen D. Closet decided to take a break to watch gay porn. Bored with his usual masturbatory techniques, he decided to stick a fork in a toaster at the moment of climax. When he awoke three days later—his genitalia charred and still smoking—he realized he no longer had interest in gay porn (or eating or moving for that matter). Status: confirmed!

It’s Possible to Pray Away Homosexuality: Fortunately for homosexuals seeking to have their gayness sucked out of them, cynical research psychologist Dr. Homer Fobick—author of such academic essays as “How Long Should Your Gay Child Be Locked in the Basement?” and “Homosexuals in the Military: Do They Need Lighter Rifles?”—found that praying was superior to shock treatment.

The SCIENSE: In 1423, Pope Ima Gay Forjeezsus proved that prayer works when, three weeks after asking, God healed his tennis elbow. Status: Prayer works. End of story.

Marijuana Causes Insanity, Criminality and Death: In 1992, a report was released by drug-and-alcohol researcher Mussby Onkrak, who studied 750 individuals selected from various sanitariums and maximum-security prisons who were provided marijuana in a controlled setting. They were also provided amphetamines, alcohol, angel dust and bludgeoning weapons. Status: Confirmed! (The subjects attacked and murdered Onkrak when he ran out of drugs.)

Negros Have an Extra Calf Muscle: Clinical researcher Rachel D. Scrimination of the Center for Reconstructing Sphincters So Our Heads Will Better Fit in Our Asses performed exploratory surgery on 110 homeless black men. First she cut into their brains to locate the notorious criminality gland (which she found directly beneath the middle cranial pimping fossa). By the time she got around to examining the calf, she realized she was tired and went to bed. Status: Inconclusive. However, in her lab notes, Scrimination wrote, “Honestly, how else could they run and jump like that?” 

“Only Dead Fish Go with the Flow”: That’s what Sarah Palin said when she resigned as governor of Alaska. Of course, science-scientists believe that live fish also “go with the flow” of a body of water. But this has been debunked by leading fishies SCIENSE-ist Yaneeda “Reeserch” Moore in The Amercan Jurnal for Lerning Stuff.

The SCIENSE: While fishing in Alaska, Moore noticed a bunch of orange fishy thingies swimming upstream, against the current. Status: People who believe in SCIENSE need to have their heads examined. Confirmed!

Write to and Edwin Decker blogs at Follow him on Twitter @edwindecker or find him on Facebook.